So here it goes. I want to write till my heart is content, because it's really really not content. In fact it's uncontent - if that's a word. I might go on a bit too much now, I'm not thinking so much about the phrasing of my sentences or whether I'm telling a good story or not, I'm literally just doing this so my own head-space is less crammed.
It's been one of those kind of weeks where you experience enough drama to be spread across your whole year. So many occurences should not be able to happen in the space of 7 days - there's no way you can have any kind of hold on your life then. Life just kind of travels with the wind, like a kite, you dragging along behind it shouting "Wait for me, Life!"
I kissed another guy and split up with my boyfriend (which was my idea). He wanted me back, rather than the other way round. To most people who lost their other halves through cheating, this would be a dream come true, but I needed to feel like I'd lost everything - I didn't want him to feel he'd lost everything, which judging by his facebook status - he does. I needed time to think, think about what I want, or who I want, if we're being specific. I know I love him, but I'm young. The world at sixteen years old looks like a lot of options and a lot of fun - (when you live in Britain, because I watch American programmes all the time and I swear the girls on those shows are like 21 and still virgins, which is cool but really rare around here.) When you're in love, even though it's absolutely lovely, wonderful, amazing while it's there - it restricts you. It builds a box around you. If you fell in love young, and like me, you wanted to stay with that person for a long long time, you might have started to worry that you'll constantly be lusting after other people, because you'd have never experienced anyone or anything else. How unhealthy is that? Maybe it's not, maybe it's just normal. Maybe I should of stuck it out and put up with the lust until it disappeared. Maybe love beats lust if you manage to resist it. Maybe I'm just being me and trying to justify my rash actions by long twisty sentences.
The guy I kissed: I stayed at house on Saturday and we had sex, it was a joyful drunken encounter, and that made it brilliant for me, purely for the fact I got to do something I wanted to, because I was a free woman (girl) at last. Whether the sex was actually that magnificent doesn't even come into the equation; I did something I wanted to do. As soon as my boyfriend... ex-boyfriend... started ringing me I felt guilt washing over the eyes that a minute ago looked back to my weekend with happy thoughts. I suddenly looked at everything with a pain in the heart and a funny feeling in the stomach. He rings a hell of a lot if you don't answer, he's very persistant. Big guilty feelings for every time he calls, and you will actually feel like a pile of poo on the floor by the end of the night.
I asked him to give me a day where I could just think. I can't think when I'm being told what an awful person I am and what a terrible thing I've done, asked if I've made a final decision, or told I'm loved. That's weird! I don't want to be told I'm loved! It's churning my stomach, not him saying it, of course not - That somebody is actually wasting the love in their heart on me! I know I've done an awful thing right? But we did break up before I slept with that guy. It's just, now he's found about it and he has to know everything; he just has to. He will not give up until I admit defeat and tell him all the details he nags for, and you know how he wins? He makes me swear from the bottom of my heart, or swear on his life. Manipulative creature. I can't swear on his life, I'm too supersticious - I care about his life, if I lied and he lost it, Jesus - I would be wrecked forever. I don't care how ridiculous I might sound, I now know that I am pathetic, and needy, I know that I've lost a brilliant thing and there's a high possibility he'll read this so I shouldn't say the next bit, but I am going to anyway. Sometimes I just give up caring - I've gone past a point.
I don't want to leave the guy I had sex with. I'm sorry. There are reasons for this and probably not the right ones.
Before I had sex willingly with the boyfriend I've just split up with, I was raped. I was raped when I was fourteen and before that other nasty sexual stuff happened to me - and that was that, close of play, end of a chapter, or so I thought. Where I live, it's not the biggest of places - and in a week, if you go out of your house, you will without knowing it see some of the same people that you saw yesterday. They're complete strangers to you, i.e you don't know a thing about them and you don't know their name, but your head knows who they are, even if it doesn't put a name to them, it recognises their face - so strangers aren't really strangers at all. I see the person who raped me once every blue moon and it's a part that hurts (not the biggest part that hurts, he took my virginity without my permission - that hurts the most). Looking at someone that's been inside you and knowing they'll never say a word to you in your life, you were just another accomplishment, it kills me. I know some people may think that's daft, why would I even want the man who did that to me to speak to me? I don't know the answer to that. I think people that have one night stands a lot of the time and secretely hate themselves - I think they'd be able to relate with how I feel. In fact, anyone that's had a sexual experience with someone that just saw them as a body - something to use it as a place to put their wilkins, never a person to make love to - they would understand it. It's the whole, passing somebody who was once inside you, a part of you for a brief moment in your life, but never saying a word to you, never continuing to be in your life.
I guess my views on sex are somewhat tainted, and I thought I was really strongly moralled when it came to who I would give it up to. I was when it came to my ex boyfriend. It took so much time and consideration and it was completely the right thing to do. I'd like to still believe I am strongly moralled. I've had sex with two people now, the second one was the other day and I knew I could trust him, but sometimes there's no thinking involved in my decisions, I know something should happen and will happen if I just let everything go naturally and how it's meant to... Surely it wouldn't have happened if it was the wrong thing for me to do?
I feel that if I chose to get back with my now-ex boyfriend, for reasons such as the fact that it's breaking my heart to see him sad like this... If I left the guy I had sex with - what would I say? "I had sex with you a couple of days ago and now I'm off. See you later though yeah? Like, never, loser." That's not me and it would make me cry more than never getting back with my ex boyfriend. I'd be treating it as a mistake, just a random silly encounter. I can't treat sex like that - I have to treat it like a beautiful thing, even if secretely, in my head it wasn't so perfect. Imagine if I did break it off with the guy I just had sex with. I'd see him again and know that he's been inside me but we'll never talk again; de ja vu; an all too familar feeling - I can't hurt myself like that. I already have to feel that every so often about one person, but I have no choice over the matter, as I had no choice in any matter concerning that person. I have control over this one.
Every time my ex boyfriend rings me I'm aggitated. I'm aggitated when he speaks. I think it's the fact than whenever he rings, I know it's going to take too long, and he repeats himself a lot, and a lot of the time gets narky if I don't wanna continue the conversation for an extra ten minutes. The new guy - well, he's not much of a phone person like me, he rings for a reason, I ring him for a reason. Still, love. It's an issue isn't it?
It doesn't conquer all, because it's not conquering this. I'll get some tosser saying "Well then it was never love." Maybe it wasn't? Maybe love should be where you love somebody's every fault as well as all their good bits, and maybe it should be where it's completely impossible to cheat on someone because you love them so damn much. Don't think this didn't occur to me when I was kissing that guy, don't think I didn't doubt whether I truly loved my boyfriend. I did doubt.
But seeing my ex boyfriend laugh makes me laugh, seeing him smile makes me smile, seeing him cry makes me cry, seeing me breaking his heart breaks mine. Calling him my ex boyfriend makes me frustrated. He was the perfect person for me to lose my proper virginity (as I call it) to. It was one of the hardest decisions I ever had to make in my life. If I'd have made a wrong turn there, I'd be unsettled for life. I needed my proper first time to be nothing like my rape. I needed to make love, and that's what we did - I am so thankful for that. He completed my life for the last three months and was the very air I'd breathe when I woke up in the morning. Now I breathe frustration, because I wake up to him ringing me. I don't know what's happened.
He just rang me actually and took up quite a lot of time. I feel I'll never get everything that I'm keeping built up out and into the open, something always interrupts, disrupts or annoys me.