My blog, my life, my pregnancy. My loves, my hates. Me.

Saturday, September 26, 2009

I'm Livid. What A Prick!

I wanted this post to be a huge update including pictures and all sorts, because tons has been going on lately and I've been taking tons of pictures, but I am livd - so this is just a rant, I'm afraid.
My boyfriend finally told his parents about the baby! (Thanks Heavens for that.) They were actually okay about it. Our next job was to tell everybody else, so I Facebook announced it, to save time really; I'd be able to tell everybody together that way. I sat there biting my nails, feeling very sick, dreading every single reply. BUT, to my shock, people were lovely. I'll paste actually, but not all of it, there were 67 replies in total. Not one of them bad though.

Pixie and Bambi would like to announce... We're having a baby :)
16th September at 21.31 ·
You, ---, ---, --- and 13 others like this.
Eeee, congrats babeeee. Loveyouu xxxx omg congratulations hun im really happy for you both think u will be a fantastic mum xx I agree with her xx Bloody hell lass! SERIOUSLY?! OH MY GOD!! congratssss xxxx Congratulations x Thank you for all the congrats everyone x :) I'm still waiting for the terrible reactions... eeeeeee! im so happy for you both! this is going to be one b-e-a-utiful baby for some strange reason i feel all excited for you haha cant believe this is happenin 2 one of my old best mates well congrats x :)That went good :D haha Congrats even though I said it ages ago glad the reactions have been good :-) you will be great parents x you'll be sensational parents.

Great ey? Couldn't ask for better. I went for a few days thinking there's gonna be someone who has to be prick. But nobody was a prick! We went to a party and we got gifts given! Eleven days passed and I assumed everyone knew and had said what they wanted to say, which was simply "congratulations". I thought I'd been lucky! But there is always one. There's always a prick. Always always always. And it's usually someone you never expect to be one and all the people you expected to be nasty were nice. I was in two minds about uploading the scan picture, just because I didn't know if it was too private to upload, but I thought a lot of people who'd been getting excited would love to see it. I got a new phone last week that takes really good photos and I finally got them on to the computer today, and they looked even better on there. I'd obviously taken a pic of the scan photo to have on my phone, so I uploaded it tonight in a really happy album with smiley pictures of me and my boyfriend in it. I was in a happy smiley mood. Not for long...
Within seconds...
Friend: It looks like your boyfriend :P x
Prick: Are you joking Pixie*?!!
Me (not seeing the other thing): Hehe yeh - like a little alien! xx
Friend: exactly what i was thinking :D :D :D xx
Prick: im just thinking stupid.
Me: Am I joking about what?
Prick: Having a bloody kid at your age... just stupid.
Friend: Haha be happy for them man, there happy and so is every1 else, if u think its stupid dont comment it then?
Prick: Well we'll just wait and see to what happens in the future ay.
And the anger kicked in. I had to ring boyfriend to let off some steam and tell him what had been said. He was like "Right then, turning on the computer, logging in, facebook, right."
Boyfriend: Right then. We will see what happens in the future won't we and by my mind it will not be very good for you. If you ever upset her like this again I will destroy you.
I wish he hadn't closed it with such a line as "I will destroy you", because that's a bit daft and mellow-dramatic and just gives way for the prick to take the piss, but I did rather like the protective aspect of his words. ;)
I replied, remembering the quote I'd read earlier: "Rise above the storm and there will be sunshine," whilst thinking to myself, I'd like to roll with the thunder a little bit too.
Me: He's not upset me bambi! (my nickname for him) We rise above this :P I know exactly what he predicts for our future. And way to go for him, putting us in with the "young parents stereotype" - Yeh I can see it all now, what close minded people like him think. They think me and you will split up by next year, they think we'll be on the dole, they think we'll be nasty to our kids and probably be massive chavvy mongers. But we know different don't we baby, so don't be doing any destroying ha! And you, Prick, don't ever think it's okay to write something disrespecful and heartless on the first ever photo of my child.
(To none British people - the dole is like... I don't actually know, I just know you get called a "dole dosser" if you're on it. It's some money you claim off the government if you don't have a job, and most people on it are said to be lazy arses who do nothing but sit on their arses all day. And a chavvy monger would be presumably one of these people.)
Friend: Delete all these silly comments? :) This picture is happy times and needs good comments :D :D :D x
2nd Friend: That guy's a dick, man!!!! Lolss! I'm really really really really really REALLY!!!! happy for you both! I know you'll be AMAZING parents!!!! : ) xxxx
3rd Friend: I hate this guy because of these comments. I also can't believe I'm about to agree with --- but you should delete these comments. This is a happy picture for a happy time. Just because he properly won't be able to get a chance like this, being a pathetic little twat that he sounds, doesn't mean that he has to ruin yours. X x
As soon as I read that last comment I thought, that's nice, but all he's gonna say to that is something along the lines of "Yes I will get a chance like this, but I'll be older and wiser and have more money." Here was his reply:
Prick: yes i dont want to have this chance of having a child at the age of 17 ide rather wait till i had money to support and have lived my life to the full. And please dont destroy me Mr. Schwarzenegger :S
How hilariously predictable people are. And then my friend... She's great, but she has a mouth on her I tell ya...
3rd Friend: I meant having a child at all, you fucking idiot. So yeah they may not have planned this child, but they aren't abannoning it just because of their age or money issues. YOU want to wait, YOU think they are being stupid. They ARE NOT you. So back the fuck off. Now.
(Actually babe, we did plan it, but I'll let you off as you are on my side).
I felt at this point I had to take control, it was 3am and I was getting increasingly pissed off at the fact I couldn't sleep. (I can never sleep when someone's been rude to me and I haven't said exactly what I want to say.) I kept checking the comments on my phone and when I saw his last little speech, I thought okay my turn, I'm better at these. I turned my computer back on.
Me: I take it that means you think I've not lived my life to the full? Of course I haven't! I'm seventeen like you said, I'd like to think I've got a good few years left in me yet pal! I'm having a baby, I'm not committing suicide. My life doesn't end because I'm a mother, it gets better actually. I'll be living my life quicker than you. What's your plan exactly? If I'm stereotyping you, you'll waste 4 years at university to come out with a job you coulda had already if you'da gone straight to work, a huge hangover and tons of debt. To be honest, I see what I'm doing as cutting out the crap bits and getting to the good stuff. I didn't want to go to uni, I want to be a singer or a writer and I probably never will be, but I don't need some stuck-up place of education place to tell me that. And the best mothers I know didn't have a penny when they had their kids - it's love and affection that makes a good parent, not a big detatched house or a great car and five holidays a year. Get a grip on reality.
That was all. I think everyone, unlike me, is probably tucked up in their bed sleeping soundly, so I won't recieve any replies until tomorrow. Well, later today.

Why do people have such issues with the way other people choose to live their life? This prick, he'll have kids eventually. So he'll do what I'm doing, but he'll just be of a different age. Why is it such a hard concept for him to grasp that this is the way I wanted my life to go?
I haven't been able to see any similarities with myself and most other teenagers I know for ages. I like make up and I like clothes, and I pay interest to them, but I look past them in terms of what's important to me, because I know there's more to life. I like books and music but I don't swamp myself in these things - they don't keep you happy forever. Passing exams and gaining qualifications doesn't keep you happy forever. It makes you feel good about yourself for a while, as does looking nice, but at the end of the day we all want the same thing, we all want love and we want happiness. (Unless we're complete psychopaths who hate the whole human race.) I want to start a little family, I don't see the problem with me going out and getting that very thing when I'm able to. I grew up way too fast, so at age fourteen I felt the age I actually am now. For me to have a baby at seventeen, funnily enough feels like the right age for me, I feel like I'm in my mid-twenties. When your eyes are opened to the harshness of the world quite early on in life, as you get older it becomes apparent how easily you can waste your life, because you know you've only got one shot to get it right. I look at some grown women and I think wow; inside I'm more mature than you. I might not talk it, look it, or even act it, but I know my outlook on life and the lessons I've learned are beyond my years. Why am I doing all this explaining? Now I've had one negative reaction I'm paranoid that everybody else is harbouring some secret hatred towards me for what I'm doing as well!
Its not that I'm obsessed with what people think of me as a person - I don't give a toss. It's when people who don't know me dare to have a go at me for something I've said or done. Notice how all the friends were nice and backed me up straight away? I know that's their loyal duty, but they know me don't they - so they understand me and my boyfriend aren't the typical seventeen year old couple. This, I'll say for the last time, PRICK, he saw me at that primary school reunion I went to last month, and that was the first time he'd seen me in about 6 years. He doesn't know anything about my odd life and my odd ways - so for him to pass judgement is just fucking out of order!
And... I'm done now. It's ten to five.


Monday, September 14, 2009

How Lovely Is This?!

I've almost got 30 followers and two lovely girls have given me an award! & Thank you both of ya! This is mega good news. I almost gave up blogging on here a bit back you know, because I didn't see the point if nobody read my blog. I'm glad I didn't - people actually do now. I really appreciate everyone that is giving me feedback on posts and stuff. I know it might be a little sad but whenever I get a comment from someone on a post, I get a little excited :D Ha ha.

(19th September) -
I'm just adding this bit now, something I forgot to do earlier... And I need to do it before I write my next blog: Tag people who I would give these awards to! I don't know how many blogs I have to tag, so I'll just tag some of my favourites! - I love this blog. I think she has what makes a great blogger: life experience, character, and wit. Her blog's really interesting, and the subject's of her posts are rather emotion-evoking too. - Her blog just shows that some great writing talent can often go unnoticed. She has very few followers, but she should have more. She puts words together beautifully. - I really like this girl, she's 15, doesn't seem it at all, and reminds me of me two years ago, when I was the same age. Plus... Amazing hair. - Kind of like an inspiring blog to me I guess! I want the settled down family life and secretly, I would love to be a "stay-at-home-mum". Even though I won't be able to because of lack of money, it's still fun to read about someone who can!

I get to tell you seven things about myself now!

1. My real name is not Pixie. Oh come off it, you knew that? If my real name was Pixie I'd well be famous by now. Pixie Geldoff, Pixie Lott, etc. Okay, there's only two that I can think of but it does seem to be a very famousy type name. My real name is rather boring and average, I don't use it on here because in previous posts I've talked openly about my rape, and now I'm talking about my pregnancy - If anyone I knew stumbled across this, well, those things aren't exactly common knowledge. So yeah, I'm a big secret. (Although I'm rethinking all this, because a clever birdy told me I've nothing to be ashamed or embarassed about - and it's true!)

2. I live in the North of England. My accent is a bit common and horrific. Think of Chanelle from Big Brother, if you remember her, she was the "Posh-Spice lookalike". If you know who I'm on about we're on the right lines... That's my voice!

3. I suffer from random bouts of depression and I have one now. Most of them are caused by the poor relationship with my mother. We were really close when I was a kid and as soon as I hit my teenage years we didn't get on at all. She wants me to stay here and have my boyfriend move in when the baby is born, but I'm secretly trying to go about getting our own place. (I didn't want to claim benefits at all, because I think it's cheeky, but I've kinda got no choice now, it's really unhealthy to stay here.)

4. I went to five schools all in all, and... three colleges now. Problem child alert.

5. I've become an Ebay addict this week! I had 60 quid in the bank and it's gone, all of it, gone gone gone. I do have a great excuse though: I wanted to get out all my compulsive buying unneccasairy items urges, before I have to start buying important stuff like a crib and a pram... And a house. I got some yellow Dr. Martens. My boyfriend said I'll look like Bob The Builder.

6. I can't sleep in any bed apart from my own, even though it's the most uncomfy thing since a matress made of razor blades. I get used to little things and slight changes.. they knock my system.

7. My Grandma took me shopping when I was younger and said she'd buy me a Barbie. There was a Barbie in the shop I was drawn to, which wasn't really a Barbie at all, she was different and ace. She was pale with red hair and freckles and it said her name was Kimmie on the box. I'm a big fan of individuality. Kimmie's my favourite name for a girl, and I didn't even realise why until I found the doll again! It's my boyfriend's favourite too. Evelyn's our second favourite name for girl, no deep childhood-linked reason though, we just like it. :)

Oh, PS: Barbies. This woman is obsessed with them - She makes me chuckle.

Monday, September 7, 2009

Goodbye Old College. Hello Crappy New One.

It's 12.30pm and I'm currently sat on my bed, dipping Oreos into milk. Oh how very American of me! They've got the right idea over there with food though, minus McDonalds. McDonalds have ruined my face. I believe burgers should come with warnings on their box, because I really don't remember their side effects amidst a bout of severe hunger. An American food place that gets the thumbs up from me, even though I don't know anything about it, is “Taco Bell”. I heard some kid on the telly once exclaiming it, “Ohmygawd! Taco Bell!” and I really wished we had one over here - that's if I rightly assumed they sell tacos there, they could sell bells, or neither of those things... We have a Boots over here but they don't sell boots, and Priceless Shoes is rather a decieving name as they just sell pairs of shits.

I got my first proper craving – it's tomatoes. What a rubbish craving that is. I wanted to be one of these fantastic women who go to all lengths to find coal to lick because they sense an iron deficency in their blood, then I'd really have something to talk about. Instead I get lousy old tomatoes, which I liked anyway, aren't anything out of the ordinary and frankly, are crap!

Last year in this month I was starting college to do my BTEC First Diploma in Music Performance. I was really adamant on going to a college in a different town to the one I live in, because I didn't want any reminders of my past and I didn't want people who knew me when I lived a reckless life to have preconcieved ideas of me. I wanted to start a complete fresh, that's why I didn't mind catching the two trains that took me an hour to get there and recieving the constant telling off from my tutors when I arrived late. I remember spending hours the night before the big first day stressing over the importance of finding the perfect outfit. I can perfectly recall my mum's “how did a daughter of mine end up such a bimbo?” face when I said, “If I pick the wrong thing to wear, people's opinions of me will be set the wrong way forever!” Now I know that my blonde hair, glittery eye make up, leather jacket, white tshirt with some kiddish logo on, denim skirt, black tights and black fake Uggs really didn't matter. By the end of the year, I'd changed so much through college and finally got a sense of individuality. I was a gingertop, wearing band tshirts, tartan pants and my big hefty (beloved) Dr. Martens. I owe a lot to that college. I'd gone straight there with shattered confidence from having the worst thing in the world happen to me, the worst high-school experiences in the world and a year of homeschooling hermitness. I was obsessed with what people might think of me and I was terrified they might not like me. About a month into the course, I realised that I was on a course full of boys who were all musicians who didn't give a shit about life, loved dope, guitars and tattoos. The way to be liked was not to be Miss Pretty or Miss “Hehe, do you like my new hairband?” but to be myself, which was luckily, a more girly version of one of the lads.

I'll admit, over the week I've been getting a little sad about not doing the next course, the two year one, equivalent to 3 A-Levels. Through that college I got to record, perform and best of all; have music put to the songs I wrote. I love songwriting and singing, music is my passion. I know that it just wouldn't be possible to do the walking to the train station and from the train station in the winter, heavily pregnant. I know that I'd hate doing a full-time course when baby's here and I know that I'm getting such a wonderful thing in replace of what I had, something so much better, but it's natural to feel a bit sad every once in a while, right? Today I enrolled for a part time course at the big local college, the one that everyone goes to, so I guess that's what's brought it on. I decided to go back to my English roots, my love for reading and writing will probably get me somewhere further than my love of music ever could anyway – so I'm doing an English A-Level. I just go in on a Monday of every week for a couple of hours. I also enrolled at an even more local college, (literally, this tiny shithole down the road from me) to retake my Maths GCSE, and do a Physiology one (apparently it's easier than actual Science, which I desperately fail at.)

Not wanting to completely abandon music, I joined a band with a girl I know who plays bass, a girl I know who plays drums and the bassist's boyfriend who plays guitar. We had the first practice the other day, this could've also brought on my missing-college feelings. I realised I wouldn't be able to work with them the same as I could with the guys in some of the bands I was in for our college projects who were all mega talented. The bassist was extremely moody and untalkative and the drummer got too carried away with her drumming. The guitarist didn't even turn up. Promising eh? But we'll see I guess. I'm not going to be completely pessimistic about everything, because I've done a good thing haven't I? I'm going to be a mummy, but I'm not going to give up my life and forget who I am. I'm aiming higher as they say, going back and getting the qualifications I should've got ages ago and still carrying on singing, whilst my biggest dream is getting closer to coming true. My biggest dream is to be a parent, and I know that everything else, all these emotions I go through because this happened in my life and that happened to me, the reasons behind all my daily worrying and stressing will all seem so trivial once my tiny little angelface is here.

It's 2.07 now. I've been very slow at writing this, but I'm glad I did because it's made me tired at last. I think I'm going to go get some more Oreos to snack on, go for a wee and then hit the pillow, the uncomfy one with a Paddington Bear case on it. Super stylish.

Wednesday, September 2, 2009

My 12 Week Scan!

The day finally came. I reached the safe mark! Time had been going slow when I'd been longing for it to hurry up, and fast when I'd been thinking oh my god - slow down! Just reading this blog from start to here is proof of how quick it's all gone. I cannot believe that a few months ago I was putting my beloved other half through hell and myself through even worse. It's a distant memory now. Today was the day of my 12 week scan. The first time I'd get to see my lovely baby.

I had to drink a pint of water an hour before and even though my bladder is a weak as anything, I started worrying that I wouldn't need to wee. (You have to need a wee for 12 week scans; full bladder or no scan.) We got to the hospital, which is not my local hospital, because my whole family had a really traumatic time there in the maternity ward when my niece was stillborn, so I requested a hospital a bit further out, but not too far. I clobbered in with my manic bright red hair and my big fat skater shoes and thought they'd point me over to the children's ward. "Oh, your head's bleeding, it's turned your hair an awful shade of crimson! Children's ward that way little girl!" The lady on the reception there wasn't judgemental at all, which is always good I guess. She just asked me to take a seat and wait, quite plainly, hardly looking at me, completely uninterested - wouldn't have it any other way. I didn't exactly wanna be looked up and down. There was this lady of around 30 next to me waiting for her scan, she was there a bit earlier than me. She was one of those middle class types who can't help but look down their big nose at anyone that's not... them - well she seemed it. When the lady at the reception asked me if I was waiting for a scan and my name, the funny woman looked at me like I was a pile of dog poo! Then started fidgeting in her seat uncontrollably, clearly really annoyed they'd asked me first when she'd been sat waiting before me. Gosh, some people. When they asked her name you should've seen how snappily she replied. She had a lollable name though. Ha. My boyfriend just whispered "Bloody hell, eager beaver int she?"

When I was sat down waiting, I uncrossed my legs and realised I did need a wee. Ten points to me for that. A young woman called me in for my scan. I was so giddy with nerves I could barely contain myself. I laid down on the bed-thing shakily and rolled my top up like she asked, commanded my boyfriend to move the chair nearer so he could hold my hand. She put this hot gelly stuff on me which made me tingle, haha. Then she started rubbing the thingamybobba on my belly. (I wish I was more educated about pregnancy, but my no clue about anything attitude entertains my mum and co.) She said straight away that she could see a heartbeat and that I was indeed 12 weeks pregnant, pretty much bang on. (11 weeks and 6 days). Everything was healthy and well! I giggled like a bit of an idiot at everything. I was genuinely over the moon. When she showed me the screen, oh my god! I could see my baby moving around. Nothing can prepare you for that feeling! Seriously. You watch it on telly on soaps and stuff, I think they under-act it! I was hysterical with happiness, I could've literally got up and done a dance and screamed hallelujah. Maybe it sounds silly, but I felt this instant sense of protectiveness and love that I'd never felt before. It was so cute, the baby kept putting it's little arms above it's head and wriggling it's legs about! Dancing :) My boyfriend had gone teary eyed and I'd gone super over excited. As soon as the scan was over he looked at me and told me he loved me. It's a rare thing in my life to have a "perfect day" but this was close enough.

I asked for five scan pictures :) She gave us all different ones. There are some truly amazing ones. I guess they're not as amazing to the people I've shown, as they are to me and my boyfriend - when you know it's your bambino... It's wonderful, you can't stop looking at these alien-like pictures. On one of them you can see the baby's heart! On another, you can see what looks like little feet. Wow. I'm going to go to my sister's house sometime soon to use her scanner, but for now I've had to do my old method of taking a picture of a picture. I couldn't not though! The picture I've put on this blog is my favourite picture out of the lot, most definately. You can tell when I'm happy, because I overdo it with the exclamation marks! See, it's like an addiction when my mood's good.